How I overcame my anxiety
Become happier and more confident with more peace from mind
There is something personal I’d like to share. I hope it can help some of you and shed some light on a bigger problem we have in society today. Midway through 2020, I developed more anxiety than I had ever been used to. I don’t know what lead to that point but it was something totally new to me and the more I thought about it and tried to stop it the worse it got.
Even though I consider myself a positive, extroverted and confident person, it would all emerge with a thought about something in the future: a call with a client, a date or sometimes very simple things, like meeting someone new. In my case, this thought would be around not wanting to fuck up whatever situation I was thinking about that hadn’t even happened yet. Suddenly your heart is pumping, your lungs get tight, and you start worrying about the fact that you’re worrying. You tell yourself you’re fine and need to chill but nothing changes, making you even more nervous because you feel like you’re not in control of yourself.
Without even realizing it, you’re worrying about something totally different from the original thought. The harder you try to escape the situation the harder it gets. You feel stuck and start identifying with these thoughts, leading to self-doubt or a loss of confidence. Now, every time a similar thought arises, your mind gets triggered. You get into the habit of remembering these past experiences, getting you into a vicious cycle you can’t get out of.
I promised myself that whatever challenges come my way, I will always do whatever I can to overcome them and learn from them. My elevated anxiety lasted about a year and, while it’s not entirely gone and I’m still learning, I’ve managed to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I’d love to share with you today how I managed to change my relationship to anxiety and feel more at peace in any situation with
Self-awareness,
Disidentification,
Presence, and
Meditation.
Self-awareness
Before you can solve any problem in your life, you have to first be aware of it and recognize it. Only then can you start making a plan to overcome it. For the longest time, I turned my back to it because I didn’t want to accept the fact that there was something wrong with me. I know so many people… how could this be happening to me?
While everyone may seem just fine from the outside, the sad reality is that people today, especially the younger generations, have never been worse when it comes to mental health.
Gen Z is considered to be the most depressed generation. 91% of Gen Z reported experiencing psychological symptoms due to stress. According to a study by Western Governors University in 2019, only 45% of Gen Z believe their mental health is good, which is 11% lower than the millennial generation. The Pew Research Center found that 70% of teens believe that depression and anxiety are significant problems amongst their peers.
You’re not alone. Even though these facts are worrying (to say the least), it is somewhat comforting to know you’re not the odd one. Once we start becoming aware of our weaknesses and have the courage to look at them in the eyes, can we start helping ourselves and eventually remove a collective stigma that’s stopping so many of us from actually confronting our obstacles.
The reality is, however, the longer you ignore it, the bigger the problem will get and the harder it will be solve in the future. Take action now and remember that every obstacle is a gift. Every problem is an opportunity for growth.
Disidentification
Now that you’ve recognized your obstacle, it’s time to overcome it. One of the things I learned from reading both The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and The Untethered Soul by Michael Alan Singer was that you are not your thoughts. All these anxious thoughts are not part of who you are and shouldn’t define you. This may sound a little odd at first, but hear me out.
Our anxiety, which is just another human emotion, serves a specific purpose just like sadness or anger:
Even though it may seem useless at times, there is a purpose for anxiety. These feelings and symptoms are a part of our innate way of dealing with stress. Known as the fight-or-flight response, anxiety is meant to protect us from danger and allow us to react faster to emergencies.
This used to be especially helpful a long long time ago. When confronted by a predator or even hearing some suspicious sounds in the bushes, those that freaked out and ran away had higher odds of survival. The crazy thing is that anxiety doesn’t know the difference between a real danger or one that is imagined, like the noise in the bushes. Both produce cortisol (aka the stress hormone), which is elevated when we experience heightened anxiety or stress. Today, imminent danger is no longer as common but the noises have never been louder and more common, especially in the past 2 years with Covid-19.
In other words, these anxious thoughts that arise in our minds are part of our survival mechanism. They are emotions, just like happiness or sadness. Just like being angry from time to time doesn’t make you an angry person, having anxious thoughts from time to time doesn’t make you an anxious person. Don’t let your thoughts define you.
Instead of identifying with your thoughts and holding on to them, take some distance and observe them. I will show you how you can do that with meditation below, but the key is witnessing your thoughts to maintain a healthy distance. Watch these thoughts as if someone else was saying these things to you. Would you react the same way or take it personally if someone random said that you can’t make it or that there’s something wrong with you?
Presence
An effective way to get some headspace and distance yourself from your thoughts is by being in the moment. This may sound super basic and easier than it really is but it’s truly fundamental. Most of the thoughts we have are either about the psychological past or the present. Eckhart Tolle used the term psychological because none of the two are happening in the moment and are happening just in our minds. The way to escape these thoughts is by being fully in the now, which is all you can control.
So often did I find myself worrying about something in the future that I couldn’t control and that wasn’t even happening yet. I would get so lost in these thoughts, which weren’t allowing me to be fully aware of what was happening in front of me. The best way to escape these mental knots is by giving your full attention to whatever is happening right now. These are two examples that apply to different situations:
When engaged in a conversation, give your utmost attention to the person you’re with. Instead of thinking what to say next or worrying unnecessarily, immerse yourself in the conversation and fully listen to what that person is saying.
Prior to a high pressure moment, such as a presentation or date with someone special, escape the thoughts telling you “you’re gonna fuck it up!” Instead, pay attention to your surroundings, your breath or the sounds.
Your mind can’t think and be present at the same time. Think of the times you’re fully in the zone doing something you love or a sport… you’re not having those thoughts, are you? Next time these self-depricating thoughts emerge, acknowledge them, disidentify with them and don’t give them any of your energy. Instead, give your full attention to whatever is happening right now. Don’t escape the present, it’s your lifeline.
Meditation
Now that you’ve realized that your anxious thoughts are just emotions trying to keep you alive and that being present is the best way to escape these thoughts, it’s time to put it into practice. Meditation is the secret ingredient. Not only does it put all these learnings into action but also rewires your brain over time to erase these bad habits.
We generally know very little about how and why the mind does what it does. Meditation gives us a window to better understand this process. When you meditate, you may clear away the information overload that builds up every day and contributes to your stress.
The emotional benefits of meditation can include:
Gaining a new perspective on stressful situations
Building skills to manage your stress
Increasing self-awareness
Focusing on the present
Reducing negative emotions
Increasing imagination and creativity
Increasing patience and tolerance
Towards the end of 2020 is when I starting reading about mindfulness, spirituality and all the books that are supposed to help with anxiety. I saw a big spike in improvement, which platoed after some time. It was only when I started meditating regularly 10–20 minutes per day thanks to Headspace that all my learnings solidified and true permanent progress was made. Meditation was the last push to gain control over my mind and thoughts. The key, however, is consistency, just like going to the gym from time to time won’t cut it. The brain is a muscle too that needs work.
Headspace costs around 50€/year, which is nothing for what you’re getting out of it. If you don’t want to make the investment, however, today is your lucky day! Meditation can be done anywhere and anytime. This is Naval Ravikant’s take on mediation:
“Watch your mind all day long…You can meditate 24/7. Meditation is not a sit down, close your eyes activity. Meditation is just basically watching your own thoughts like you would watch anything else in the outside world.”
Very similar to disidentification and presence, huh?
Self-awareness, disidentification, presence and meditation have helped me not only overcome my anxiety but, most importantly, feel more peace. This peace from the mind — not of the mind — has made me feel happier, more grateful and more myself.
At the beginning of this journey, I was embarrassed about my anxiety. It was my little secret that I didn’t want to share. However, once I changed my relationship to anxiety and actually overcame my obstacle did I become more comfortable talking about it with others. Opening up about it made me realize just how many people are going through so many similar struggles that are never shared.
Mental health just isn’t talked about enough and the numbers are just straight up insane! We need to remove the stigma to overcome this collective obstacle. If you’ve felt the same way, you’re not alone. Remember:
The first step to overcome any problem is to accept that you have one. You’re not alone!
You are not your thoughts. Thoughts are mental clutter trying to keep you alive.
The now is your lifeline and all you can control. Be fully in the present instead of escaping the now.
If you truly want long-lasting change, meditate! Be kind to your mind.
BONUS: I’ve also seen a lot of benefit in practicing gratitude. Life is a blessing.
If this has helped just one of you, that’s all I care about. Please feel free to share what worked for you and reach out to me (marc@karismaliving.com) if there’s anything I can do to help 😊
Saludos,
Marc
Great words! Thank you Marc!
Very inspiring Marc! Thanks for sharing :)